If there are two things I hate in life, they are beginnings and endings. I hate the awkwardness of a new beginning- not knowing what to expect, not knowing what is expected of me. I hate the finality of an ending- the idea of “never again” and knowing that things will always be different than they were this time. I’m most happy in the middle- in the comfortable, in the confident, in my own power and control.
This is a year of beginnings and endings. Tomorrow I begin a semester, with new classes, new classmates, new professors, and new assignments. Last week I ended a summer at camp, possibly my last. It was a hard ending. This is my senior year, and if all goes according to plan it will be the end of my college experience, an end I’m already anticipating with dread.
I’m uncomfortable without my middle ground. I don’t like feeling out of control, and I don’t know what to expect.
I learned a lot this summer, and it’s been hard to say goodbye to camp. It’s also been hard to live what I learned here, where I already have comfortable friends and a comfortable routine to fall back into and to not allow myself the discomfort of growing or changing. But I’m working on it. And I’m learning that comfortable isn’t what’s best for me or what God wants for me.
My prayer this year, as I look towards the coming changes and look back at what I’ve learned and am learning, is that God would be glorified in me. In my schoolwork, in my relationships, in my attitude, in my activities, in the change and in the constant, in all that I do, that it would be to the glory of God. That, most of all, I would desire that people would see me and my life and think not “Rachel is so great!” but “God is so great!” And in that desire that others would see God’s glory in me. What a blessing that would be.